Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband’s parents divorced after his mom threw his dad out when she learned he was screwing a female co-worker just under a year ago. We have a son, “Ethan,” who is nearly 3.
While my in-laws are both excellent grandparents in general, when Ethan does something he isn’t supposed to, his grandmother will correct him by telling him it’s “what your ass-headed grandpa would do, and you don’t want to be like him, right?” So, unsurprisingly, Ethan has recently been asking why Grandma doesn’t like Grandpa.
I have tried talking to my mother-in-law about keeping the negative thoughts about her ex-husband to herself, but she says she is “just being honest.” I understand her anger toward my father-in-law, but these kinds of comments are not appropriate. My husband refuses to get involved. I don’t want to resort to cutting off her access to our son, but I am running out of patience with her. Any suggestions?
—Think It to Yourself
Dear Yourself,
Does your husband’s “refusal to get involved” mean that he feels OK about what his mother says to Ethan about his grandfather? Or even that he approves of it? (I wonder how angry he is at his father.) Is he so accustomed to his mother’s lack of filter—and downright nastiness—that he doesn’t register it as a problem? Or does this “refusal” just mean that he is conflict-avoidant, fearful of upsetting his mother, or … I don’t know, lazy? Have you asked him? “I refuse to get involved” is not the place for this conversation to end.
It would certainly be better if he had a talk with trash-talking Grandma than if you tried again. But if he digs in his heels, I suggest that you talk to her once more, telling her that “being honest” does not include volunteering unpleasant commentary about someone her very young grandson loves—that her feelings, however valid, are not appropriate to share with a small child, and that since you and your husband don’t intend to cut off Ethan’s relationship with either of his grandparents, it behooves them both to keep his best interests in mind. Say this gently. Say it with love. And be prepared for her to continue to ignore your request. (Repeat that request as often as necessary. Maybe she’ll get tired of hearing it and will eventually stop behaving like a 3-year-old herself.)
In the meantime, tell your son that Grandma sometimes says things you wish she wouldn’t, that sometimes grown-ups don’t behave very nicely (this covers all bases—so, a bonus), and that it’s not something he needs to worry about. Don’t try to explain her behavior. That’s not your job. Concentrate on reassuring your son. (Your husband might pitch in with that, too. Surely, that’s something he wouldn’t mind getting involved in?)
—Michelle
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