Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
I’m dating a wonderful guy who I really care about. He’s divorced with a son and is a dedicated father—that is one of the many things I appreciate about him. His son is his first priority, and I completely understand. The problem is I find myself playing third fiddle to his ex as well.
He swears he would never want to get back together with her. He seems sincere about that, and I know she has a live-in boyfriend. They still text constantly, though, mostly about their son but not solely. Anytime she calls, he will drop everything to pick it up and leave me staring at a wall. He’ll also lie to her about where he is instead of saying he’s at my place, which makes me feel like the mistress. I also know he has purposefully never met her boyfriend, which makes it seem like he’s not totally resolved to the situation.
They did not use lawyers for the divorce, so they have a loose custody agreement. He lets her take advantage of the loose nature even if it means canceling plans at the last minute. As part of their agreement, she is providing some financial support. She accepted a lucrative job opportunity in another state. He agreed to move and she agreed to help him out with relocating. He claims the reason he’s being extra-accommodating is because she’s providing this support on a handshake agreement, but she has never actually given him any money, so part of me feels like that’s an excuse.
I know this situation broke up one of his previous relationships. We haven’t spoken about our intentions yet. He’s an incredible guy, but I couldn’t commit to playing third fiddle to his demanding ex. Is that what I would be doing? And if I know I can’t do that, do I have an obligation to tell him now, or can I let it play out and enjoy the time we have together?
—Third Fiddle
Dear Third Fiddle,
Do you enjoy the time you two have together? What you’ve described sounds pretty unpleasant to me. You never know when a date is going to get broken up and you’ll be left “staring at a wall,” you know that his last relationship ended over the same problems that are plaguing yours now, and he’s made it pretty clear where his priorities lie. I don’t think playing third wheel to his demanding ex is what you “would” be doing if he were to move; I think it’s what you’re doing now. Regardless of how wonderful he is, and regardless of how convinced he is that he must put her first because of their unofficial custody agreement, the reality is that his first priority is his ex, and you rate a distant third. It doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying that setup now, so I don’t see any reason why you should stick things out any further.
—Danny M. Lavery
From: Help! My Boyfriend’s 14-Year-Old Son Is a Nazi. (January 30th, 2018).
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Dear Prudence,
My partner of almost five years has recently been experiencing some strong feelings of gender dysphoria and changing their gender presentation. I think it’s great they’re talking about it and trying new things, and I’m totally on board. But I was wondering if you could offer any advice about specific things I can do to support them. I’ve given them a binder and some clothes they’ve asked for as gifts and tried to be available as a listener. But not having gone through any sort of similar experience myself I don’t know if there are common pitfalls to look out for or if there are other things I can be doing to help!
—Hopefully Helpful
Dear Hopefully Helpful,
A supportive attitude and a desire to be useful puts you at least 90 percent of the way there! I think the most common pitfall you’re likely to experience is an excess of that desire, of wanting to be so useful that you begin to think of your partner’s dysphoria as a problem you can solve with sufficiently high levels of empathy and support. That’s a recipe for failure and frustration. You can listen and offer reassurance to your partner, but they may continue to experience dysphoria in one form or another for a very long time, even for the rest of their life, so don’t think it’s a reflection on you (or how supportive you are) if your partner’s struggles with dysphoria don’t immediately improve. It may help you to find a community (either online or IRL) for other partners of trans/genderqueer folk, to talk through your own goals and concerns; you might also ask to hear from other people who have been in similar situations about what’s worked for them.
And go easy on yourself when it comes to saying things like “I haven’t gone through any similar experience myself”—you don’t have to have experienced dysphoria firsthand in order to be helpful and loving towards your partner. You don’t, in fact, have to perfectly understand anyone else’s experience in order to help. Listening, asking specific questions, being open-minded and supportive—you’re already doing everything a good partner does.
—D.M.L.
From: Help! A Long-Lost Friend Might Be Dying. How Can I Reach Out? (February 1st, 2018).
Dear Prudence,
After a couple of years of decline, my beloved, 21-year-old cat had an episode that left her immobile, and I reached the painful decision to put her to sleep. I shared a special bond with “Vivian”; she has been a comforting and spirited companion since I was 12. We shared a deep loyalty, and she loved my children like they were her own kittens. I know I will never again share a bond like this with anyone. I feel a deep emptiness without her.
My problem is that I can’t shake feelings of guilt for this loss having hit me so hard—you see, just over a month ago, one of my best friends lost one of her best friends, a young man, who died suddenly and tragically in an accident. I know that the death of an exceedingly old cat is not, in fact, a tragedy, and it feels foolish to have my friend try to comfort me (she is a cat lover too, and even came to Vivian’s “100th” birthday celebration), or to publicly declare my grief. I know these events are unrelated, yet I feel like I don’t have the right to feel so awful, so sad and isolated, when those close to me are going through so much worse. I don’t know how to cope with this.
—Mourning Guilt
Dear Mourning Guilt,
I’m so sorry that you lost your cat after so many years together. Losing a pet can be devastating, and I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. You know that the death of a pet is not on the same scale as the death of a person, but you’re also not trying to argue otherwise, nor have you failed to support your friend as she’s grieved the death in her life—just because she comforted you when your cat died doesn’t mean you haven’t been there for her in turn, or that you’re trying to put your cat’s death on the same scale as her friend’s death. This death matters to you. You do have a right to feel awful and sad and isolated. It makes sense that you want to be conscientious about how you speak about your feelings publicly, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be honest about your loss.
—D.M.L.
From: Help! My Ex-Wife’s an Anti-Vaxxer. Now She Won’t Let My Son Get a Flu Shot. (February 6th, 2018).
Classic Prudie
I don’t get along with my sister-in-law. She adores my brother and makes him very happy so I try to be friendly when I see her, but now that we’ve moved back to his hometown and she lives just a few miles away, it’s gotten much harder. She criticizes my taste in furniture, my clothes, and my cooking. I try to deflect the comments, but she will not let it go. Recently, my husband and I adopted two rescue dogs and posted pictures of them in Facebook. I then get a text from my sister-in-law telling me that I have to change the names of my dogs because she is going to use those names for her kids, and that she is now pregnant but I can’t tell anyone. This is ridiculous and I don’t know what to do. Do I just ignore her and hope it goes away?