Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday.

Hey Prudence,

Re Down the Middle: As a Canadian, I find this so perplexing. I’ve read so many times about the agony of splitting the bill—those who spend $80 versus the unfortunate friend who eats the $20 meal and is expected to split costs equally. I’m curious why we have such a cultural difference in this area and why you don’t just do what we do here.

Whether I’m with my spouse, friends, or family, the question at the end of the meal is always “Together or separate?” The implication and what is reflected on our bills, is to separate things by the items that we individually ate. Now, if I said “I’ll start with the nachos,” and I let my friends eat them too, they’re entirely mine to pay for. Likewise, if my mom orders a bottle of wine but asks for two glasses (one for me), then the bottle ends up on her tab… unless the parties in question say, “We’ll split the nachos” or wine, etc.

So when my friend orders the surf and turf, but I’ve ordered a small chicken Caesar, no one is seen to be taking advantage. And no one needs to feel like they can’t splurge on that thing they really want because their dining companions would bear the burden of the cost. It’s not uncommon with a large group, for the server(s) to ask at the very beginning how we’re splitting our bills—which couples are together, and which children belong to them (over Christmas, nearly 20 of us went to a chain restaurant, and this is exactly what happened—no fuss, no drama. We were just asked to remain seated and not change seats until all the orders were taken). At the end, everyone gets their individual bill, and the server comes around with the card processing machine so each couple/family group can settle up and add their own tip. No one seems inconvenienced or bothered by having separate bills. Why is this not the norm in the States? Would this be seen as a faux pas? Maybe this should be normalized.

—Separate, Not Split

Some restaurants in the States certainly do offer to do this! I don’t know if I got this impression from my own experience waitressing or from restaurants that had a rule about only splitting checks two or three ways, but I’ve always had the sense that individual bills would be a lot to ask of the wait staff. But this idea was formed when orders were taken on paper and then walked over and entered into a computer. Now that they go directly into a handheld device, it might be a totally OK thing to ask for!

Hey Prudence, 

Re About Jenna: If it were me, I wouldn’t bother with your first suggestion, but would double down hard on the second, “spontaneously” starting a weekly newsletter about everything I was doing with Jenna. Then every newsletter would include this statement at the end: “If any of this week’s activities bother you in any way, please let Jenna know. I do not want either of us to be in the position of talking about her behind her back.”

—Quaker Lady

I am a little concerned about stressing Jenna out with any complaint emails that may result from this plan. But maybe that can’t be avoided and is simply the stress that comes with having the daughters she has. I can get behind it!

Hey Prudence,

Your recent advice to About Jenna suggested mainly that she should defer to Jenna’s daughters, seeking consent for her continued involvement. Nothing in AJ’s letter indicated that Jenna is incapable of making her own decisions, only that she is—understandably—hesitant to take action that might alienate her daughters.

The designation of primary carer has to come from Jenna. Based on their reported behavior, it’s neither appropriate nor suitable for that role to land with her biological daughters. What would be sensible advice is for AJ to have a “hard talk” with Jenna, explaining that while she has the capacity to do so, she needs to set in place the necessary legal documents outlining her wishes, in the form of a Power of Attorney, a living will, and a last will and testament. AJ should tell her of the obstructive attitudes of her children, and that while she understands Jenna’s fears of angering her daughters, she is more concerned that Jenna’s wishes and best interests be considered, whatever the circumstances.

Since AJ has to protect herself and her immediate family first from legal retaliation, it wouldn’t be wise for her to facilitate the meeting with a legal professional, but she could provide a list of suitable resources where Jenna could find an independent advocate to support her through these decisions. Finally, although it’s clearly the last thing AJ wants to do, she must let Jenna know that without her choice of advocate and support being formally documented, AJ cannot continue acting in that capacity. Hopefully, this will be enough to trigger the necessary actions by Jenna for both her and AJ’s protection.

—It’s Not About Them

This is very smart. You’re right that the letter writer can’t be the one to facilitate this. But maybe instead of just leaving Jenna with a list of phone numbers to call, she could ask someone familiar but not involved in the power struggle (like the niece or neighbor mentioned in the letter) to help her through this process.

Hey Prudence,

Re Can’t Understand My Reaction: She should have his mental abilities checked out. My daughter worked as a nurse in a geriatric ward. She got hit by an old man who was frustrated, confused, and afraid. If the letter writer’s father is struggling mentally, he may be unable to cope with disagreements. He may feel that she threatens or undermines her. She does not deserve to be hit or shoved, but she does need to know where he is mentally and emotionally. He may need medication. Or he may need assisted living or some other caregiving arrangement.

—CanisNLibris

Good idea. More information is always helpful.

Hey Prudence,

Re Tell Us Where to Put It: I don’t drive that often with my husband in the car, and my “purse” is a Disney Loungefly backpack. It just goes in the back somewhere. I don’t need it when I’m driving! I have cheap sunglasses that live in the car, along with Chapstick and other things.

Granted, I drive a land yacht, so the back seat area is huge, and it can fit in the middle of the floor (where there are no dangling kids’ feet) even when I have my kids in the car. Or I fold down the middle seat and put it there. I even do this when I’m the passenger because I don’t want my nice backpack on the floor in the winter with the road salt everywhere.

—Just Put It on the Floor in the Backseat!

Sunglasses and Chapstick that live in the car! I just know your whole life is organized and optimized. Next, you’ll be telling me you have one of those cute little trash cans in the backseat too…

Hey Prudence,

Re Harried Husband: Here’s a phrase that helps me keep myself in check: Unsolicited advice is criticism. Always. It helps shatter the “I’m just trying to help!” justification that chronic unwanted advice givers cling to because “I’m just trying to criticize you!” doesn’t land quite the same way.

—Criticism Doesn’t Help

If we start selling Prudie merch, this quote will be on one of the t-shirts.

Hey Prudence,

Re Lost:

I pretty keenly recognized the totally overwhelming, nonstop bombardment of feelings that comes with bipolar, and hope my own experience might be able to help a little from afar. There’s a type of therapy called dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) that was developed specifically to deal with the intensity that often comes with bipolar and a handful of other disorders; it focuses primarily on teaching you different ways to handle the surges, rather than the more analytical, “change your thoughts, change your mood” cognitive behavioral approach (which frequently feels futile for bipolar people). There are absolutely good things to say about CBT for many, many people! But personally, I spent some fruitless years on it before finally finding a DBT program, where learning an array of concrete strategies for increasing my distress tolerance literally saved my life.

—Found

Thank you for this! I’m so glad it helped you!

Hey Prudence,

Re Fight of the Navigator: I know exactly what’s going on with the husband: He’s mad his wife’s attention isn’t 100 percent on him. I’ve seen it a dozen times before, most recently with my sister, who broke it off with her live-in boyfriend because he got all pissy that her BREAST CANCER TREATMENT meant she wasn’t sitting on the couch with him as much. All too typical, unfortunately.

—Been There

Disgusting. And probably correct.

More Advice From Slate

I had a professor last semester who I am really, literally in love with. She’s married with a kid and I think straight, so it’s not something I would ever even attempt to act on. I’m fairly sure she knows I have a crush on her—it’s not subtle—and my guess would be that she finds it flattering. She just offered to be my adviser, and I was obviously ecstatic and said yes. The problem is, I have a couple of tattoos related to her.

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