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Whispers of an affair between Kristi Noem and longtime Trump ally Corey Lewandowski have wafted through D.C. for years. Though both have refuted it to the press, the rumor gained credibility in early March, when the soon-to-be-ousted Department of Homeland Security secretary declined to deny it under oath in a House Judiciary Committee hearing.
Noem’s husband, Bryon, was in the hearing room that day, watching his wife dissemble and sweat when asked whether she’d ever had sex with Lewandowski. It was hard not to feel bad for the guy essentially getting cucked in the congressional record. A family member told the New York Post that he would weather the allegations and stay married to Noem in accordance with his Christian faith, “honoring the calling from God” to stand by his wife.
But as it turns out, according to new reporting from the Daily Mail, Bryon had his own extramarital activities to hide. In recent months, the insurance executive has reportedly paid three women tens of thousands of dollars for explicit texts, calls, and photos—and sent them pictures of himself. His tastes tended toward “bimbofication,” in which people seek a Barbie-esque look with heavy makeup, inflated lips, and gigantic, surgically enhanced breasts much larger than plastic surgeons normally construct.
“How are your boobs?” Bryon asked one of the women in a typical chat, according to the Daily Mail. “Would you ever go bigger?” She told the outlet that Bryon preferred “huge, huge ridiculous boobs.”
Unsatisfied with simply appreciating other people’s breasts, Bryon attempted to create his own. “You turn me into a girl,” he texted one woman. While posing for photos he sent to the women he hired, he seemingly shoved inflated balloons into his tight shirts, with the knots serving as makeshift (and egregiously misaligned) nipples. He also posed in turquoise leggings and pink bike shorts, both of which may well belong to Noem or another woman in his orbit, unless they were purchased for the specific purpose of cross-dressing.
Between Bryon’s pursed-lip duck face and the poor lighting, the images aren’t exactly the pinnacle of sexy sophistication. But they tell a riveting story: a conservative, religious South Dakota man who spoke to Bible groups and Republican clubs—and supported a wife who, among other anti-LGBTQ+ positions, sought to ban campus drag shows—then dressed like a woman for sexual gratification in his off hours. He played the devoted hubby of the deporter in chief by day, and fabricated a J-cup bosom under his Lululemon tees for sex-worker photo shoots by night.
When reached by the Daily Mail, Bryon didn’t deny the photos or the communications he exchanged with the three women. Kristi Noem’s spokesperson told the news outlet that she is “devastated” and that the family was “blindsided,” asking for “privacy and prayers.” She might also want to ask for her gym wear back.
So what happened here? It’s possible that one or more of the women Bryon hired sent the chats and photos to the Daily Mail. Apparently, one woman was so dismayed about a late payment from Bryon that she posted about it on social media before deleting it. Could she have sought revenge by leaking Bryon’s secret and telling reporters where to look for other potential “bimbos” he might have paid? Maybe.
Or maybe this is all Kristi Noem’s doing. She has no more Cabinet position to protect and an alleged lover she might want to stop half-heartedly trying to hide. The Daily Mail got access to a “vast trove” of material that revealed how many women Bryon had hired, how much money he paid them, and when his messaging stopped (around January, just as his wife was overseeing the killing of two Immigration and Customs Enforcement–observing U.S. citizens in Minneapolis). Might Noem have gotten a hacker to swipe the data from her husband’s phone, all so she could have a reason to leave Bryon and ride off into the sunset with Lewandowski to a date at the Trump Kennedy Center? That would certainly explain why the Noems are publicly accepting the story rather than decrying the photos as A.I.-generated and the reporting as fake news, which would hew to the MAGA playbook.
But regardless of how the Daily Mail came to its “vast trove” (release the trove!), there is a disconcerting subtext beneath this otherwise amusing tale of a MAGA sham marriage. Every time a conservative moralizer or their spouse is outed as a practitioner of some sex kink or variety of gender-bending, hand-wringing ensues over whether it is unethical or in bad taste to mock them for it. The correct take is that, while there’s nothing shameful about loving giant boobs, bimbos, and gender play, there’s endless shame in hypocrisy, which is exactly what this is.
Noem rose to political power in part because of the wholesome image she projected, then devoted herself to the agenda of an administration that launched a war on transgender people, smearing any act of gender nonconformity as a sexual perversion. All the while, Bryon was getting off on his DIY boob situation. Sexual hypocrisy on the American right has never come as a surprise. It’s draconian gender norms for thee, cockeyed titty balloons for me.
