Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a single mom to a 13-year-old son, “Tony,” and a younger daughter. I share custody of the kids with their other mom following a very difficult breakup a few years ago. While we have our issues, we generally co-parent well and try to maintain regular communication about the kids.
Over the last year, Tony has become obsessed with my (currently nonexistent) sex life. He is convinced that many of my friends are actually lovers.
Most recently he has decided that I am having an affair with Clara, the (happily married heterosexual) woman next door. While Clara and I are good friends and I enjoy her company, there is nothing romantic between us. He is furious with me and has all but cut off his friendships with the kids next door, refusing to step foot inside their home even though our families used to eat together once or twice a week. He has also angrily accused me of sleeping with my longtime male best friend (who is gay and also married, for what it’s worth).
My son wants me to repeatedly “promise that nothing will ever happen” with these people. While nothing ever will, this feels unhealthy and controlling. You will not be shocked to learn that my ex was emotionally abusive, volatile, and controlling. I was isolated from friends and family for years, so Tony really hasn’t even seen me be close with other adults. I don’t believe he ever witnessed his other mom accusing me of having an affair (an accusation she did make despite the fact that she was the only unfaithful one in our marriage), but he did observe yelling and other toxic and abusive behavior, some of which was directed at him. I protected Tony as best I could, and though I wish sole custody were possible, it isn’t an option. I am in therapy and have asked him to consider it for himself, but he’s not interested.
We otherwise have a wonderful time together as a family, and my son is a hilarious kid who is doing well in most areas of his life. But I’m at a loss here, and I feel triggered like crazy by this behavior. I don’t want him to grow up thinking this is ever an OK way to talk to the people he’s close to.
—All This, and No Sex Life to Boot
Dear ATaNSLtB,
Your 13-year-old child has experienced abusive behavior—he is not in a position to decide that he isn’t going to therapy. It is particularly important that he is given the support he needs now in order to prevent him from having the same proclivity for toxic behavior that his other mother has modeled, which could manifest in his relationships with loved ones and/or show up as misogyny. You, of all people, do not deserve to endure this sort of treatment from him, and it could be detrimental to your healing process after the divorce.
Speak to him about what happened in the past with your ex-wife, but be very careful to do so without casting her as an irredeemable monster or suggesting that she is doomed to continue the harm she caused earlier in his life. (Speaking of, you say that you have persistent concerns about her behavior and would prefer to have full custody. Have there been any efforts taken on her part to address how she treated you and her children in the past?) Point out how his fixation with your sex life—something he has no right to lay any claim to—and accusations that you’re having relationships with platonic friends are the same sort of inappropriate mistreatment you experienced during your marriage, and why it is so important that he unlearns this behavior now.
Explain that for your entire family to heal and grow, it is imperative that he get some help that is beyond what you and your ex can provide on your own. Get him and his sister into therapy by any means necessary. Set boundaries for how he engages with you, and establish consequences for when he crosses them. You are the adult, and it is important that he understands both the importance of treating all people with respect and that love is not meant to be controlling or cruel. Sending you lots of strength and wishing you the best as you heal yourself and your kids.
—Jamilah Lemieux
From: Unhealthy Boundaries. (Nov. 6th, 2019.)
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 4-year-old son and a 10-month-old daughter. We were overseas when my daughter was born, living in a very small apartment. Although it took a month of living in hotels, we are now back in the U.S. in a much larger, semipermanent living situation. We’ll be in this home for 11 weeks total and have been here three weeks so far.
My son has done a fabulous job adjusting to these changes, with one exception: He seems to be developing phobias related to our current home. He doesn’t like to go to the other floor of the house just to get something without us coming with him. He’s no longer willing to go to the bathroom alone. He doesn’t like to have the lights off. He saw one spider and is now worried that spiders will get him. (We had a lot more bugs at the old place!)
None of this seems too weird to us, and we’re sure he will grow out of this phase. We’re just not quite sure of the most effective way to support him in the meantime. Should we sometimes insist he does things alone that he says are scary? Should we suggest he do them, but then just accompany him if he won’t? It’s not always possible for me to (figuratively) drop the baby and help him out, so should I just hope he’ll get bored of waiting and handle the things he used to do on his own?
—Family on the Move
Dear Family,
I feel for the little guy. You’re right that this is a perfectly normal thing for this age and especially given all these transitions—new house, new baby—but it’s still hard for him! Put yourself in his shoes. He’s in this whole new place, everything is changing around him, Mom and Dad have a whole ’nother kid they care about. Would you be so sure that spiders weren’t going to get you? Life is unpredictable, and so are spiders.
Often you’ll hear advice in a situation like this to “break” the kid out of the habit. But here I would exercise caution. Remember he doesn’t want to be afraid of going upstairs any more than you want him to be. It’s just that fear is both reasonable and entirely out of his control right now. I don’t think you can, through force, instill some kind of bravery in your 4-year-old; given that this is a temporary placement and there is more change coming, I don’t even think you want to right now. You should take Option No. 2. Suggest he do these things himself. Let him know that you would like him to get over his fears and that going it alone may help with that. Be honest about the fact that you may not be able to help this exact minute because of the baby. But if he really needs help, by all means help however you can. It’s nice for him to “grow up,” but it’s even better for him to have reliable support in a changing world.
—Carvell Wallace
From: Our Son Is Afraid of Our New House. (Feb. 6th, 2019.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have a great toddler, and after some medical challenges in trying to have a second child, we’ve decided to adopt. We’re excited! But we’re dealing with two sets of issues.
The first is that the logistics of adopting seem confusing at the moment. I’ve done some research, I’m in touch with some people who’ve experienced adoption from all sides (kids, birth parents, adoptive parents, etc.), we’re going to an info session at a full-service agency soon, and I’ve asked my therapist to help us find a specialist for some couples sessions to prepare. But compared to the resources when I was pregnant, I’m having trouble finding information to walk through what to do, what it’s like, and what weird or unexpected circumstances or feelings might bubble up.
More painfully, we’re dealing with some negative reactions from family. When I brought it up to a close relative, I was shocked to get a version of “With adoption, you don’t know what you’re going to get.” I ended the conversation, but subsequently this relative brought up instances of adopted kids who had “problems” or insisted I talk to someone they knew who had a biological child and an adopted one so I will “know what I’m getting into.”
My husband hasn’t talked to his family about our plans yet but anticipates similar problems. This breaks my heart. I think it comes from a place of ignorance and prejudice. I don’t want this attitude to taint my relationship with my family, I don’t want these talking points brought up around my toddler or with any child we adopt in the future. I need scripts to shut this down in the moment, educate people who bring this up, and protect my family.
—Adoption Issues
Dear Adoption,
Congratulations on the decision to grow your family. You’re only at the first step of a lifelong journey but already approaching it with an eagerness to learn—I feel this bodes well for your family. I think you’re right: There are a million pregnancy books out there, but comparatively fewer on the experience of adoption. But there are great resources available, and your agency will likely provide a syllabus that will prove helpful. If they don’t as a matter of course, ask your social worker.
I’m a parent by adoption, and I’ve found adoption-related communities on Facebook to be helpful, so poke around there. It’s hard to reduce adoption to a single set of concerns, because every individual experience of it is informed by specific circumstances. It’s too soon yet to know what you need to know more about—whether you’ll be raising a child of a different race, or forging a connection with your child’s birthmother and possibly other relatives, and so on. But you understand that this will be new territory for your family. That is important.
One thing your social worker and agency will probably provide is some clarity on how to handle hurtful or poorly informed comments from friends and family. Because those, alas, are inevitable. I’m so sorry you’re there already.
Your relative is right: With adoption, you don’t know what you’re going to get. I wonder if they realize the same is true with biology. I wonder whether they realize that any person proceeding through life as though they know what it has in store for them is deluded.
I understand that what your relative is saying—that an adopted child is somehow lesser, or a risk, or some kind of problem you ought to avoid. I wish I could promise that your relatives’ ignorance (at best) or prejudice (at worst) will not taint your relationships with them. But they will.
For now, in these early days, you can counter this gently—when someone says “With adoption, you don’t know what you’re going to get,” you could agree that in life there are no guarantees. You could decide to teach anyone who requires it just how adoption works and why it’s important that they respect your choice and the family you make.
The challenge is that your child will be your child, not an object lesson in racial harmony or an opportunity to educate on human empathy. You are rightly invested in making sure that your toddler and their future sibling don’t hear these things.
You may find over time that simply shutting down these conversations is best for your own sanity, and the well-being of your children. (“I’d rather not discuss this” is a great all-purpose conversation-ender.) While the arrival of an actual child, not a theoretical subject of conversation, might change people’s attitudes, the tough truth is that protecting your family may mean sacrificing some of your relationships or seeing them forever changed. I hope it does not come to this, but it’s probably best to acknowledge that it might. Still, I’m excited for you. Good luck in all that lies ahead.
—Rumaan Alam
From: My Family Doubts Our Decision to Adopt. How Do I Tell Them to Butt Out? (October 8th, 2019).
Classic Prudie
It sounds like a bad joke, but my cheating husband stepped into the street, got hit by a semi, and died. Instead of going through a difficult divorce, I have inherited all his assets and am a very wealthy woman. I have no idea how to deal with any of this. I held a memorial and didn’t stay long. I felt like a fraud. Friends told me that his mistress showed up in tears. Apparently she is a single mom, and my husband was paying for her apartment and her son’s private school. Am I crazy to want to reach out and maybe help her?