Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, “Kendall,” is the perpetual grinch when it comes to holidays. We have two kids, “Selah,” 6, and “Nick,” 3. Before the kids came along, I would always prepare everything for Thanksgiving and Christmas when we hosted; Halloween always saw me decorating the house and handing out the candy on my own. Kendall thinks holidays are “a waste of time.” Since Selah and Nick are now old enough to participate in holiday activities, Kendall is willing to go through the motions, but complains the whole time. It really sours things for the rest of us.
Now it’s Easter, and I have no desire to listen to my wife piss and moan about how dumb it is, especially when she’s not the one putting in the effort to make it happen. For years, I’ve suggested that she doesn’t have to participate if she finds celebrating so unpleasant, only to be accused of trying to “get rid of her.” This year, our family will be at my parents’ for Easter dinner, and I really have no desire to listen to Kendall whining the entire time. Any suggestions?
—Fun Is A Dirty Word for Her
Dear Fun,
Well, it’s a little late for me to help you with Easter dinner, though you have my permission to stop reading this column right now and go find Kendall, wherever she is, at your house or your parents’, and tell her sweetly that you are giving her the day off: “I know you don’t enjoy this. Why suffer through it? Go, with my blessings. Do something you enjoy! We’ll see you at home later.”
If she accuses you of trying to get rid of her, just keep smiling and tell her you’re only looking out for her. Rinse and repeat.
But whether it’s too late for today’s holiday fun or not, I think it’s time to tell her that 1) you understand: She hates holidays. You know that celebrating them is torture for her. 2) You love holidays! You want your children to enjoy them too! And 3) she is off the hook for all holiday celebrations forevermore (“Go ahead and make plans of your own. I’ve got this”).
Now, if I’m wrong and you do not in fact enjoy holiday-celebrating—you’ve just been gritting your teeth and doing what you believe you’re supposed to do—well, then, I urge you to rethink the whole business. No one is obliged to celebrate. (Celebrating dutifully isn’t fun for anyone, ever.) But if—as I assume—it gives you pleasure to organize an Easter egg hunt, hang garlands and lights at Christmas, roast a turkey for Thanksgiving, turn your house into a spooky haunted one and dress up in matching costumes with Selah and Nick every Halloween, knock yourself out. (Full disclosure: I was the celebrating parent in my household—I love a holiday, any holiday. Never met one I didn’t like.) But it’s as unfair of you to demand that Kendall force herself to participate (fake) cheerfully as it is of her to “piss and moan” and put a damper on your fun. If you plan to stay married to her, it’s time to accept that this is one big thing you do not have in common. Give her your sincere permission to opt out.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have a 7-year-old daughter, “Patricia.” For the longest time, Patricia was the only redhead in the family. Apparently, I had a great aunt who was a redhead. My mother and aunt, and a couple of my husband’s relatives, too, constantly fawned over Patricia’s hair, and she clearly enjoyed the attention. My family all lives nearby, within the same metro area, and we see each other often.
My brother recently had a daughter, “Ariel,” who is also a redhead. Patricia has been irrationally jealous about no longer being the only redhead in the family, and even though my husband and I have tried to sit her down and work through these feelings, she’s still struggling. She is incredibly upset and irrationally angry at Ariel for existing and feels abandoned by our relatives. Her attitude at family gatherings has been appalling at times, and I’m at a loss for what to do about it.
—Seeing Red
Dear Seeing,
If ever there were a case in point to illustrate why nobody should be remarking on a child’s (or anyone’s) physical attributes—making a colossal fuss over things that are of no importance, are not efforts or achievements for which anyone ought to be praised, and are nothing more than superficial matters of chance—here it is. You cannot go back in time and make sure not to allow people to make a ludicrously big deal about her hair color, of all things. But you can certainly do your best going forward to model for her that such things matter not a whit, and that her intrinsic value is not tied to her hair, her body, her prettiness, her height, her weight, her eyelashes, or any other nonsense.
If she believed up to now that her distinctive hair color, as the only living member of the extended family who was a redhead, is what made her unique, it’s not surprising that she’d be struggling now. And while I wish you’d shut that down early on, she’s only 7. You can turn this around.
Focus on who she is, not what she looks like. For the sake of your new niece, Ariel, as well as your own child, try to discourage the family from making the same mistake with her. Who cares what color her hair is? (I say this as the mother of a redhead. I can’t tell you how many times I put a damper on other people’s enthusiasm about my child’s “gorgeous hair.” Did I get so irritable about it by the time she was 4 or 5 that I was reduced, a couple of times, to saying, “Yes, it’s red. Who cares?” I did indeed.)
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My former husband, “Ron,” and I were married for five years and split up two years ago after he came out as gay. We have a 4-year-old son, “Simon,” with whom we share 50/50 custody. Ron has since remarried, and I have an amicable relationship with him and his husband, “Trey.”
The trouble is that my mother has never forgiven Ron for “throwing away” our marriage. She has been escalating her tirades against him and Trey both in and out of Simon’s presence/earshot. I agreed to end my marriage because I cared about Ron enough not to want him to be forced to live a lie; I have tried (and tried) explaining this to her, just as I’ve tried explaining that his sexual orientation is the way he was born, not a personal failing. Nothing helps. She won’t shut up. The last thing I want is for Simon to think there’s anything wrong with his dad and stepfather. Is it time for an ultimatum to my mother that the homophobic language ends, or her visits with Simon do?
—Mouthy Mom Mess
Dear Mom Mess,
Well, as much as I dislike ultimatums with loved ones—and as much as I hate the idea of separating a grandmother from her grandchild—you’ve already given her plenty of chances to change. It is time to tell your mom that she isn’t to speak this way about her grandson’s dad (or his stepdad), that she’s being unloving and cruel and is just plain wrong—and that you don’t want your child to absorb any of her hatefulness. If this doesn’t stop right now, she loses all access to Simon.
Perhaps (one can hope, no?) this will shock her into a change of heart, perspective, and thinking. If she is unable to reconsider her “opinions”—that is, not only learn to keep her ugly ideas away from her grandchild and recognize that speaking ill of Ron to his son is an unforgivable offense (not to mention that the end of your marriage is no one’s business but yours and Ron’s), but to open her mind and heart and be better—you are well within your rights to make good on your promise of no further contact between her and Simon. I’m sorry. This is a terribly sad situation.
—Michelle
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