Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My mother passed away recently after being in and out of the hospital for years. My father and I were never close, and when we did meet, it would be outside the house. But when I went to the house to try to help clean out some of my mom’s things, I found that my father had been hiding his horrible lifestyle. Their house is falling apart, and he has become a hoarder. We’re talking electricity not working in half the house, holes in the roof, piles of unopened Amazon boxes and trash, rat feces everywhere. It’s disgusting and sad, and just the tip of iceberg.
I recently convinced him to give me power of attorney and complete his will (my mom didn’t have one and that was a mess). When I accessed his bank account, I realized that he’s blown all of his money (and all of the money my mom had) and is down to about $90,000. He still has a large mortgage on the house and spends almost $40,000 a year (I’m not kidding you) on online gaming and gambling and expensive food delivery. He’s living like a teenager. His mortgage is more than his limited Social Security income and he has no investments left.
I have tried to approach him with what I found and discuss creating a budget, but he becomes aggressive and deflects and says it’s none of my business. At the rate he’s going, he will be penniless and homeless soon. He doesn’t have the funds to fix the house, and I’m not sure he would have anything left even if he did due to the large mortgage. I’m trying to help clean out the house now and get rid of the bugs and rats but that’s just a superficial bandaid. He says he’s fine and basically wants to be left alone. I know he’s depressed since my mom passed and has a history of substance abuse and mental illness that has gone untreated. I reached out to his doctor to try to see if they will prescribe him antidepressants, but I don’t think he’ll take them. I’ve thought about getting a conservatorship, but it’s costly.
I am a single mom with two kids under 10, and I work full time, so I’m already spread thin. Being yelled at by my dad for trying to help is breaking me. Are there any options I’m not thinking of to take control of his finances? He hasn’t filed taxes in forever, so he doesn’t qualify for a lot of government assistance. I’m afraid if I cut him off that he will just spiral, and then I’ll have to pick up the pieces when he’s destitute and there’s nothing left. I feel so guilty that he’s living like this and that I didn’t know about it sooner. Is there anything I can do to take control of his finances or resources for elderly that are unable to take care of themselves?
—Can’t Make a Grown Man Grow Up
Dear Can’t Make a Grown Man Grow Up,
I’m so sorry, both for the loss of your mom and what’s going on with your dad. Watching a parent self-destruct while they refuse help is one of the most painful experiences there is, and you’re dealing with it while grieving your mother and raising two young children. That’s an almost unbearable amount of weight to carry around every day.
Unfortunately, if your father is mentally competent enough to say “no”—and legally, he seems to be—there is almost nothing you can do. Getting a power of attorney doesn’t give you control over a competent adult who refuses help. It only works when someone authorizes you to act or becomes incapacitated. Your father is telling you to back off, and the law will be on his side, unless you can prove he is a danger to others or himself.
Conservatorship would cost thousands in legal fees and requires proving he’s legally incompetent to manage his affairs. A judge won’t grant that just because he’s making terrible choices. Adults are allowed to gamble away their money, live in squalor, and refuse antidepressants. It’s devastating, but it’s true.
What can you do? Call your local Adult Protective Services (typically through your state’s Department of Aging) or go to the National Adult Protective Services Organization (napsa-now.org) and report the conditions. They can assess whether intervention is warranted. Talk with the local police department. They may be able to assess whether conditions at the home are hazardous. You can also talk to an elder care attorney about steps you can take to get him on Medicaid, once he has burned through enough assets.
Beyond that, you have to step back, because continuing to fight someone who’s fighting you will break you. When the money runs out and the lender forecloses on the house—and it will—he may hit bottom and finally accept help. Or he may not. If he becomes truly destitute and is facing life on the street, you can reevaluate the situation at that time and see if there are additional levers you can pull.
Let me be clear about one thing: You didn’t cause this. You didn’t miss warning signs you should have caught. Your father actively hid this from you for years. His mental illness, addiction, and choices are not your responsibility to fix. You can’t clean up his mess and you cannot sacrifice your children’s stability trying.
I understand you love him and feel guilty. But what I’m advising you to do isn’t about giving up. It’s accepting the reality of a heartbreaking situation. You’ve lost your mom and it looks as though you’ve lost your dad, too. Grant yourself the gift of time to process this loss and focus on your own family.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
For the past two years my husband Harry and I have struggled with infertility. As a teen I dealt with an STD that could have affected my ability to have children. For that reason, and because Harry said his sperm count was fine, I have always blamed myself for our inability to conceive. We’ve kept our struggle with infertility very quiet. Thankfully, our families have never pressed us about when we’re going to have kids. Last week I broke down to my wonderful mother-in-law about how difficult this experience has been. She frowned at me then said, “Harry reversed his vasectomy, then?”