Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife’s mother owned a chihuahua, “Pancho.” Pancho was a vile, snappy, and yappy little creature whose existence came to a much-overdue end last week.
However, my mother-in-law is insisting the entire family turn out for his “funeral” at a pet cemetery where she purchased a plot for him some years back. And my wife thinks we should go along with it to show our support. The city where the pet cemetery is located is a five-hour drive away. I only have a limited number of paid vacation days, and the last thing I want to do is waste one honoring the memory of a dog that I couldn’t stand, nor do I see any point in pulling the kids out of school for it. How can I convince my wife that her mother’s request is ridiculous?
—The Only Consolation Is Dogs Don’t Have Nine Lives
Dear Nine Lives,
I understand where you’re coming from, but I’ll just share this reminder: We don’t get to determine what devastates the people we love. Your mother-in-law is truly in mourning, and whether or not you think it’s too much is irrelevant. If she needs the support of her loved ones, and if you’re able to do it, you should.
Again, the if is important here. Marriage and partnership are full of doing things we don’t want to do. But we do it in support of the other person. So, if your wife wants to go and you are able to do so, you should. If it’s really too difficult to get out of work and to get your kids out of school, then suggest you divide and conquer: You stay home with the kids, while she drives to visit her mom or get her a flight so she doesn’t have to drive by herself. Or maybe you can give a little money to one of her friends to accompany her. Sometimes we need to prioritize what’s important to the people we love and not necessarily what we, ourselves, care about.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Our 12 and 15-year-old daughters don’t know the details of our divorce, and I try hard to talk neutrally about their dad. I don’t badmouth him, and I stick strictly to the parenting agreement, which I believe is mostly fair.
But they think it’s fully his fault and blame him, and are always angry and upset at his custody times. It’s not that simple. Our marriage was at a low point, and he told me he didn’t want to have sex until I looked more like I did pre-kids. I should have been honest, talked to my now-ex, and started a divorce. Instead, I had a one-night stand with a stranger. The guilt I felt afterwards was crushing. While I was wrestling with how to tell him and cleanly end our marriage, my ex announced he’d been having an affair for a year. He initiated divorce proceedings to marry her. I was sad we couldn’t make it work, but relieved that someone had pulled the trigger. I felt complicated about his affair because it hurt a lot, but I wasn’t innocent either.
Our divorce was surprisingly quick and clean, and my life is immeasurably better since. I love having my own home, and I have so much time and energy back. I have great casual sex and no weird expectations. He’s an OK co-parent, especially because he’s still trying to impress his wife. Our kids, though, are going through it. We told them we loved them very much, but didn’t love each other anymore. He remarried two days after our divorce was final, and they did not take that well. I’ve kept my infidelity secret, but they are running with the “dad cheated and ruined our family” narrative. He accused me of pressuring them, but I haven’t! I genuinely want them to have a good relationship with both parents, and I don’t know if there’s anything I can do. Suggestions?
—Not a Victim
Dear Not a Victim,
It seems like your kids might be having a harder time adjusting to your ex’s new lifestyle because he moved on so quickly. They didn’t really get an opportunity to adjust to spending time with him alone, and instead, they immediately got a stepmom. While I don’t think you need to get into the details with your kids, emphasize to them that this was a mutual decision between both you and your ex. Although you’re no longer a family that lives together, you’re still a family, and you’ll all need to work together to help your kids feel comfortable—new stepmom included.
Think about some low-pressure ways you can all be in the same place and show them that the adults in their lives are getting along. Maybe try a barbecue at someone’s house or a picnic at a park. Choose a place with lots of space.
Also, have some one-on-one talks with your ex and encourage him to carve out special alone time to spend just with his kids. As important as it is for them to get to know their new stepmom, it’s also important for them to still have that uninterrupted time with their dad without other people, and for that to be periodic. Maybe it’s getting donuts every Saturday morning with him or a special dinner during the week that they cook together, but creating a routine reminds them that they are a priority in their dad’s life.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
What’s a natural consequence for a dysregulated meltdown at bedtime? My 7-year-old had quite the meltdown, not listening to or following the bedtime routine last night. It’s hard to find fitting natural consequences since it’s bedtime, and she must brush her teeth and go to bed. Often, she loses screen time for the next day, and we tweak the schedule to get started earlier. But I’m not sure if losing things like story time the next day when I read her a book makes sense.
It doesn’t help that she mostly does this when my husband puts her to bed rather than my turn. So, Husband wants to bring the hammer down. What’s the balance when everyone is tired from the time change, but you still need her to follow directions and get into bed?
—Finding a Balance
Dear Finding a Balance,
I think you’re right: It doesn’t help anyone to take away things like storytime, which can actually help your 7-year-old fall asleep. Since it’s happening mostly with your husband and not really with you, it could be that she wants more time with him. Maybe the fix is not a negative consequence, but something like adding an extra book when you start the schedule earlier, or a special song or game they can do together.
You might also try adding something to bedtime that’s actually a bit more “adult.” Think: rituals that would actually help us relax, like adding lavender to her bath or spritzing a lavender room spray. Instead of lullabies, some kids I know listen to jazz, meditation music, or bilateral beats to fall asleep. If it works to soothe us adults, with all of our added stressors, it can work for her, too!
—Arionne
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My 4-year-old daughter is anxious about watching new things, particularly movies. She has made it through a couple of films, but then there’s Frozen, which makes her yell, scream, and almost cry. PAW Patrol is more her speed, but even then, it’s only episodes that she’s seen before. She can also tolerate Dora the Explorer or StoryBots—as long as they’re not too “scary” for her. Sometimes she will hold our hands and watch something she doesn’t want to, and afterward she will say she liked it. But she doesn’t want to ever watch it again.