Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m expecting our first baby in late spring, and my husband has been … a nightmare. Not in terms of being cruel to me—he’s just hyperfocused on me having the “perfect” pregnancy in a way that makes me feel like a test tube. He’s obsessed with what I’m eating, whether I’ve had enough protein, what my iron levels are like, if there are parabens in my shampoo. I’m glad we don’t have cats, or I’m sure he’d be trying to boot them outside until after I give birth.
I’ve talked about this with him several times, and he either brushes me off or makes me feel like I’m not taking this pregnancy seriously enough. How can I convince him to back off? He’s not usually an anxious or controlling person.
—People Have Been Doing This for Millions of Years!
Dear PHBDTfMoY,
Well, the bad news is that this sounds really aggravating and condescending. The good news is that I think there’s a lot of hope for the situation.
Please immediately buy him a copy of Emily Oster’s Expecting Better, which is the best “chill out a little!” book on the market and exhaustively researched. It’s helped a lot of pregnant people filter out which recommendations are really vital and which are extremely weakly correlated with better outcomes but have endured because of fear. This may not do more than smooth off some of his edges, but it’s a good start.
The next thing I want you to do is put him on an information diet. You do not have to tell him your daily food diary! He’s just going to spin his wheels with it. Let him see you pop your prenatal vitamin in the morning, and then if he asks what you ate today, a bland “oh, plenty” will have to be enough for him. You can tell him politely that you’re committed to having a healthy baby and are following your OB-GYN’s or midwife’s instructions—and pestering you like this is making you stressed out, which is bad for the baby.
The other piece of the puzzle is to figure out where this is coming from. The nonpregnant partner often feels very disconnected from the pregnancy and can respond by either withdrawing or by getting way too involved. You need to find ways for him to feel involved that won’t make you hide in the basement to get a moment’s peace. Have him research packing the hospital bag, take an infant CPR class, find a good pediatrician! He can absolutely burn off some of this excess concern in a way that can help all three of you.
I think this will be enough, since you report this is very out-of-character for him, but if the strategies outlined here come up short, you know I’m going to have to pack you off to couples counseling. Stress is bad for the baby!
—Nicole Cliffe
From: How Do We Handle the Sadness of the Day After Christmas? (December 24th, 2018).
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Several years ago, I went through a messy divorce, the details of which would make excellent fodder for a Lifetime movie. To sum it up, I was awarded sole custody, and my sons’ biological father has very limited (and often underutilized) visitation. Through it all, my former mother-in-law (“Mary”) was one of my staunchest supporters, continuing to be the ally and friend she’d always been throughout our relationship.
I have since remarried a wonderful man with an equally wonderful family whom I love deeply. My current in-laws treat my sons just like their own grandchildren and nephews. I truly feel as if I’ve won the mother-in-law lottery twice. Additionally, both the former MIL and current one are acquainted and friendly with one another.
I’ve worked hard to keep my sons involved with their paternal relatives and especially Mary. (Their father makes no attempt to do so.) Not only was she an integral part of their early years, but I also wanted to instill in them the values of respecting and honoring our elders. Sadly, I also know the acknowledgment they give her on Mother’s Day, her birthday, etc., is the only acknowledgement she receives. She has also withdrawn socially due to shame over the “scandal” of my ex-husband’s behavior. (It was several years ago, but we live in a small town; memories are long, but life goes on.) I feel like I’m her only friend.
I love this woman. However, it’s a weird dynamic now that so much time has passed, and I’m not sure where or if I need to draw some boundaries. My present MIL doesn’t seem the least bit jealous; in fact, knowing the situation, she encourages me to show Mary kindness—as does my current husband. However, my sons are teens now, with phones and spending money and driving privileges, so they’re able and willing to maintain a good relationship with her without my help. Most importantly, my ex-husband recently remarried and now has a new baby. They live out of state, but his wife seems open to herself and the baby having a relationship with Mary. For that to happen, I’d think she needs to let the old daughter-in-law go to make room for the new one, although she doesn’t see it that way yet. I also want my boys to be able to know their sister, and I feel like I need to “get out of the way” to avoid resentment on their stepmother’s part from preventing this. How do I gently create a “loving distance” that will hopefully foster a relationship between Mary and her new grandchild (without hurting her further)—not to mention my boys and their new sister?
—Are Two MILs Too Many?
Dear ATMTM,
No, two is not too many. A thousand is not too many, at least not if everyone is getting along and loving, caring relationships are happening. Why would we ever want to limit the number of loving people present in our lives, or our children’s lives?
You are looking for a problem that doesn’t exist yet. If you’re lucky, it may never exist. You say that the dynamic is weird, but I’m not seeing weird dynamics in this letter. I’m seeing caring, good communication, support, and family. You also say that you’ll need to get out of the way in order for your mother-in-law to bond properly with her son’s new partner, but I’m not sure that is necessarily so. Most of us are able to have loving relationships with multiple people without having to jettison one to make room for another, and I don’t know why your MIL (or you for that matter) would be any different.
Sure, there may be a time in which she says, “OMG, I feel overwhelmed with both a current and former daughter-in-law, and I’m going to have to kick one to the curb!” or that the other DIL is like “Why are you keeping this old bag around when you need to focus 1,000 percent on me?!” but that’s a bridge I believe you can fall off when you come to it. For now, neither of these things has come to pass, so you don’t need to behave as if they already have. I invite you to relax and enjoy your family. You have a great and lucky relationship going on and I would avoid messing with it until you absolutely have to. Good luck!
—Carvell Wallace
From: My 20-Year-Old Just Takes Our Money and Refuses to Get a Summer Job. (April 24th, 2019).
Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother would love to be a grandmother. At the top of my list of reasons to have children is that she would be an awesome grandmother. Unfortunately, the list is otherwise very short. There are no objective reasons why my partner and I shouldn’t have children (we’re comfortably off, relatively young, fertile as far as we know)—we simply don’t want them. Of course that may change, but it doesn’t seem likely.
I am an only child, so this means that my mother isn’t likely to ever be a grandmother. She tries to hide it, but I know this makes her unhappy. Is there anything I can do—short of getting pregnant—to make this any easier on her?
—Sorry, but No
Dear SbN,
You’re not responsible for your mother’s happiness.
You’re a very thoughtful daughter. Your mother also appears to be conducting herself respectfully (she’s not trying to push your boundaries or talk you out of your decision, just quietly having her own feelings of loss) and that’s already putting her in the top 5 percent of people who are told their adult children don’t plan on kids. So essentially, you have the benefit of going through this with an intact, healthy emotional relationship with your mother. That’s invaluable!
I would focus on keeping that relationship warm, close, and rewarding. A lot of the sorrow she’s feeling is probably based around the sense of loss of that potential connection to the future, so work on her connection with you, whether that be an extra call or two a week, an extra visit, a weekly lunch if she’s local, etc. Don’t feel like you have to go over the top with it, as that would feel artificial to both of you. You just want to make sure she knows that you love her and that your love and connection are legacies by themselves, and ones to be cherished. Also, consider encouraging her to look into opportunities in your community to volunteer with kids; there are a ton of programs where she can use her grandmotherly gifts for good, and a lot of kids who need them.
Something I want to be clear on is this: Any momentary waffling or “Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have a baby” thoughts that you and your husband have should never be shared with your mother. It sounds like right now she’s accepted that you’re not having children, and unless you actually change your mind, it would be much harder for her to get her hopes up and then dashed periodically. You don’t strike me as the sort of person who would do that, but many people read this column and it will likely be useful information for someone!
The last thing I want to say is to accept that you’re not responsible for your mother’s happiness. I applaud what you’re hoping to do, and I think it’s very admirable, but don’t get stuck in a place where you’re desperately trying to “make things up to her” in a situation for which you bear no fault.
Best of luck (to both of you)!
—N.C.
From: My Baby’s Day Care Is Stressing Me Out About Her Developmental Milestones. (March 18th, 2019).
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