Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
My fiancé’s father is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been dry for one year, but stays strictly away from any functions that serve alcohol. He chose not to attend our engagement party for this reason and we respected his decision. The problem is, he asked us not to serve alcohol at our wedding. He says if we do, he cannot go because it would risk his recovery.
My parents are bewildered at the idea of not serving any alcohol at our wedding. They think we will come across as stingy and very odd if we had a wedding at a hotel with just juice and soft drinks. My fiancé thinks we shouldn’t have alcohol at our wedding so his father can attend. My parents think my future FIL is making an unreasonable request. They asked if there were other ways around it, like bringing his recovery mentor/therapist to the wedding or assigning a relative to watch over him and make sure he doesn’t drink. Is there any compromise to this problem?
—No Wine at the Wedding?
Dear No Wine,
If your future father-in-law cannot be anyplace that alcohol is consumed then he has a long way to go in his recovery. I agree that bringing a support person is a good compromise because sooner or later your father-in-law is going to have to learn to go out to dinner with friends who want a glass of wine with their meal. If a wedding is not the place for him to try this, then as with the engagement party it’s sad he won’t be able to attend. Your fiancé should tell him that when you two get back from your honeymoon, you will take him to dinner and raise a glass of cider to celebrate.
—Emily Yoffee
From: Help! Will Telling My Girlfriend About My Sexual Fetish Scare Her Away? (October 2nd, 2012).
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Dear Prudence,
My wife and I met 16 years ago when she was 19 years old, we married three years later, and I have been faithful and happy with her. I know she had two boyfriends before me and that she had oral sex with one and intercourse with the other. Somehow I got the idea that she had been forced into the oral sex and didn’t enjoy it. So when she would attempt to do that to me I made her stop. She felt rejected and that has impeded both the frequency and her enjoyment of any form of sex with me. She recently clarified that she was the one who initiated the first oral encounter and that she liked it. As a result, we have enjoyed this activity more in the past few weeks than we had in the last several years. Every other element of our sexual relationship has also improved. But I’m incredibly jealous at the amount of sex she had before she met me, far more than I had before I met her. I’m nearly going insane that she performed oral sex five times more in three years on them than she has with me in 16. How do I move on so that I am not constantly thinking about these guys and the relative number of sexual encounters every time I have sex with my wife?
—Unlearn
Dear Unlearn,
I think you have solved the national crisis in math education. We might improve our high school graduation rates if math problems read like more like this: “Melissa performed five times more oral sex on her two boyfriends for the three years prior to meeting her husband Eric than she has performed on him in the subsequent 16 years. So how many blowjobs …” (I realize it’s more likely we simply would increase our high-school oral sex rate.)
Your situation is an excellent demonstration of why the words that come out of your mouth can be as important as the organs that you put in it. To stop brooding over what your wife was doing in the backseat of the car more than a decade and a half ago, start blowing your horn to celebrate the end of your semi-celibate marriage. You two were set to go through life feeling frustrated and rejected because of a silly misunderstanding. That your wife likes to give oral sex, that she’s crazy about sex generally, is a dramatic turnaround in your sexual fortunes, one that should enhance the quality of your marriage. So lighten up and embrace this new connection, instead of undermining it by focusing on the quantitive pleasing she once did. If you forced her to tally her extra curriculars, then shame on you. Since you’re clearly a numbers guy, turn the math to your advantage. Calculate how long it will take the two of you to surpass your wife’s previous record, and start humping toward that goal line.
—E.Y.
From: Help! My Wife Had More Sex Before Our Marriage Than I Did.(October 4th, 2012).
Dear Prudence,
My mind is still reeling. My fiancé confessed to me last week that his younger niece is actually his child. He had a short affair with his brother’s wife, who conceived the month her husband was away. They ended things just before finding out she was pregnant, and she lied about the dates to cover it up. My fiancé knew all this and said nothing because he didn’t want to break up their family. My fiancé’s brother is a good guy and I genuinely like him. I’ve never seen a man so devoted to his wife and children. I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life being a part of this lie. My future in-laws are a close-knit family and everyone frequently gets together. They actually had a family dinner a few days ago which I’ve avoided because I don’t know how I can look at either my fiancé’s brother or his wife in the eye. I also have complex feelings about the “niece”—biologically speaking, she will be my stepchild! I love my fiancé so much but how can I marry into his family knowing what I know now?
—Fiancé’s Niece Is His Love Child
Dear FNIHLC,
Have I got a movie for you! Spoiler alert, but next year be sure to take the entire family to a screening of “August: Osage County” based on the Pulitzer Prize winning play. Let’s just say when the major plot twist is revealed, there should be enough squirming in the seats to loosen the bolts.
Often in cases where the man who thinks he’s the father is not the father there is the potential for a genetic time bomb to go off if some future medical issue in the future reveals the questionable paternity. But in the case of brothers, it’s far less likely that even a cheek swab—in the rare event it should it ever come up—would point to your fiancé’s perfidy. Of course this revelation is shocking and you are looking at the family you about to join in a new and deceitful light. I’m generally in favor of the truth, but with caveats. In this case there’s nothing to be gained by the truth blasting apart this family. And I hope you are only the third person to be let into the circle of this secret, and that you remain the final one.
As despicable as your fiancé’s behavior was, it does speak to his love for you and his desire to have an honest start that he told you. You do not have to make any decisions now. You should be honest with your fiancé and tell him that this is news that’s going to take you a while to process. But please fight the “complex” feelings about your niece. Morally, legally, and every other way she is the child of your future brother-in-law and sister-in-law and if you go ahead and marry your fiancé you should be able to look on this girl with love and equanimity.
—E.Y.
From: Help! My Fiancé Had a Child With His Brother’s Wife. (October 8th, 2012).
Classic Prudie
I am a 30-year-old married college teacher and a mother. I have recently developed a platonic relationship with one of my students. He is 19 years old and is quite smart and intelligent for his age. We chat, through Facebook mostly, about topics related to what I teach (philosophy, history, literature, current events) and we seem to have connected intellectually in many aspects. I have conversations with him I don’t even have with my husband and it has been very mentally stimulating. I find myself feeling guilty about this relationship, as if I were cheating on my husband because I found someone that fulfills something in me that he doesn’t.