Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
Despite being an intelligent, sensible woman, my mother became the victim of a scam where the criminals claimed that I was in prison for hitting a child while driving drunk (I don’t even know how to drive!), and needed money for bail. They even had a woman come on and pretend to be me, hysterical. Blinded by motherly concern, she acted without thinking and lost $10 000 via e-transfer. We’ve called the police and her bank, but is there any chance of getting the money back? I’m upset with her, and she’s upset with herself, and we don’t know what to do. How do we get over this?
—Not a Jailbird
Dear Not a Jailbird,
I’m sorry to hear about the terrible scam that your mother fell victim to. It’s important to remember that scammers are very good at what they do and can be very convincing. It’s not uncommon for people to act without thinking when they believe their loved ones are in danger or need help. The scammers probably relied on the shame of drunk driving and hitting a child to keep your mother from talking to someone else who might realize the details didn’t add up.
As for getting the money back, it’s common for scammers to use methods that make it difficult to trace their activities or recover stolen funds, like an e-transfer. The FTC recommends asking your bank or wire transfer company to reverse the transaction.
And as for moving forward and getting over this, it might be helpful to focus on what steps you can take to protect against future scams. I’d also reassure your mother that she’s not alone and that it’s not her fault. These scams are sneaky. Generally, no legitimate situations require “immediate” payment to get someone out of trouble. If you get a call like this, hang up and directly call the person “in trouble” at a phone number you know is right. Check if they really need help.
—Lillian Karabaic
From: My Brilliant Plan for Paying Less in Rent Is Severely Backfiring. (Dec. 19th, 2022).
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Dear Pay Dirt,
When my husband and I sold our vacation home we put half the money in a trust for our three grandchildren by our daughter. Our son had been divorced twice and never had any children of his own. Until he met “Kay” and her young son “Mike.”
Our son had a fast-track lifestyle until a heart attack hit him; Kay was a nurse at the hospital he recovered at. They got married and our son adopted Mike. Our family is very happy about it. The problem is that with college costs, there will be nothing left in the trust after my daughter’s youngest goes to school. Her oldest went to a private university more than a decade ago on a partial scholarship and what we paid for it would barely cover a public university today.
My husband and I have long since retired and can’t afford to make such a gift again. We have tried to explain this to our son, but he has turned it into an issue about Mike being adopted and being a different race than us. He brought up that my husband and I weren’t fully and immediately on board with his marriage. Our son married Kay six months after meeting her. We thought it was too fast, especially after such a traumatic event and we had concerns since a child was involved. It all worked out for the best. And we do love Mike as much as our other grandkids, but the situation is not the same. How do we get through to our son? My husband and I would be heartbroken if any of this filtered down to Mike and it hurt him.
—Broken Trust
Dear Broken Trust,
Having honest conversations about money and inheritance can be difficult. Without knowing the age difference between Mike and your daughter’s youngest child, if they are close in age, it could be worth assessing if there’s a possibility of splitting what is left in the trust to give each of them a portion of what’s available. However, if your daughter’s youngest child has already factored the specific trust amount into her college financing and has known about it for over 10 years, halving what she got compared to her siblings would also be unfair.
But you are not obligated to provide any grandchildren with free education, even if their cousins had that opportunity. It isn’t fair, but you can’t build a time machine back to over 10 years ago and anticipate Mike. You got a head start for your daughter’s children that you didn’t for Mike. At the time you set up the trust, you didn’t know there would be a fourth grandchild. If you had known, it would’ve been different.
Hopefully, your son has not yet told Mike about the trust. Set aside a specific time to talk with your son and Kay without Mike there, and approach the conversation calmly and respectfully. Look for solutions beyond the trust—help with FAFSA, searching out scholarship opportunities, living with family during school. You could say, “We love Mike just as much as our other grandkids, and we want him to feel welcomed and included in the family. Let’s find solutions to support Mike in affording higher education, even though we don’t have any funds left from our vacation home sale over a decade ago.”
It is also helpful to address your son’s concerns about Mike’s place in the family. Search out ways to celebrate him just as much as your other grandchildren.
—L.K.
From: “We Can’t Afford To Give Our Adopted Grandson The Same Gift His Cousins Got.” (January 3rd, 2023).
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I come from different financial circumstances and are stuck over how to write our wills. I am fortunate to have inherited some family money. My father worked very hard and will leave more to me. With careful management, I will have more than I ever need.
My husband comes from a very different background. Everything that he has, he earned himself. He has a cushion, but not a large one. Most of his assets are tied up in his business. He also has an IRA. My husband has two grown children whom he still helps out. We also have a child between us.
The issue is my father’s perspective. (And yes, I should tell him to butt out, and I’m having trouble doing that.) My father strongly wants to keep the money he earned in the family. He does not want me to leave anything to my stepkids, and to leave all my money to my kid. I respect his wishes, but this puts my husband in a tough position.
My husband needs to take care of his kids. If I am leaving them nothing, he feels that there is not enough to spare on his side of things to leave our joint child anything. But he also doesn’t want our kid to feel rejected or unloved. So that’s where we are. We need to write our wills and can’t get over this hump. I would really welcome any advice.
—I Wish There Was an Easy Solution
Dear Easy Solution,
You already know the answer to this question because you alluded to it: You need to tell your father to butt out. He doesn’t have a relationship with your stepkids, but you do, and you and your husband should find an arrangement that reflects your relationships with all of your children. He needs to accept that your husband and stepkids are your family even if he doesn’t feel the same way. You, ultimately, don’t have to share the details of what you decide with him, too.
That said, if you choose not to leave your stepkids anything but your joint child is taken care of, I don’t think your child will feel rejected or unloved if your husband doesn’t also leave them something. The financial situation is easy enough to explain, and it sounds as if what your joint child would inherit would be significantly more than what your stepkids are getting, so I can’t imagine your child would be resentful.
Whether your kid feels love is not a matter of what they inherit; it’s a matter of what they experience every day from both of you. But again, if you’re in agreement that you want all three children to benefit equitably in the long run, you should be able to both leave them all something. Explain to your father that these relationships are important to you and you should be the one to decide how to account for that in your will.
—Elizabeth Spiers
From: My Husband’s Remote Job Made Me Lose All Respect for Him.(July 22, 2022)
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