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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 14-year-old daughter “Beatrice” wants to start saving for a car of her own. My sister “Anna” has two kids, “Sarah,” 5, and “Zola,” 2. The girls’ regular sitter is currently on maternity leave, and my sister lives nearby, so Anna agreed to hire Beatrice to watch her younger cousins after school. The other day, something happened that I think Anna is blowing out of proportion.
Beatrice left Sarah and Zola watching TV while she was in the kitchen texting a friend. She became distracted by the conversation, and by the time she got back, Sarah had procured a pair of scissors and given her sister a haircut, resulting in the loss of most of Zola’s hair. Anna is furious. She refuses to let Beatrice watch the girls anymore, claiming that she is too irresponsible. My daughter was only gone for 10 minutes! The exact same thing could have happened if she had been using the bathroom. Isn’t my sister taking this too far?
—Harping Over Hair
Dear Over Hair,
You’re not doing your daughter any favors by making excuses or fighting her battles for her. Beatrice is the one who should be talking to her aunt, apologizing profusely for her inattentiveness, and promising to do better. She should be making the case for why her aunt should rehire her. And then it’s Anna’s decision whether to do so or not. Your interference can only make matters worse. (And your insistence that what happened on her watch was not her fault is teaching your daughter not to take responsibility. It’s also, I’m guessing, infuriating to your sister.)
I’d be surprised if Anna gave Beatrice another chance. I suppose this will depend on how close she is to her niece, and how close the cousins are. But if she “refuses” to let Beatrice watch her kids again—which, I hope you recognize, is her absolute right—why are you so convinced that this is your daughter’s only way to earn money? (Besides, this was a short-term arrangement anyway.) Let Beatrice find other babysitting jobs—or dog-walking, newspaper-delivering, or any other age-appropriate jobs—on her own.
Here’s a silver lining: Maybe she’s learned from this experience that if she accepts a job, it’s to be taken seriously, and that babysitting does not mean leaving the kids with the TV and going into another room with your phone.
—Michelle
More Advice From Slate
My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls. The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June.