Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I have a 4-year-old son, “Ethan,” who has—or, rather, had—long hair. Two weeks ago, we needed to go out of town to attend a convention and left Ethan with my parents. When we returned, my wife practically fell over upon seeing our son sporting only a few inches of hair. She demanded my parents tell her “what the fuck happened.” Apparently, my brother had stopped by with his son (5). There was a mishap involving some bubble gum getting in Ethan’s hair, and cutting it was the only option.

I’m not sure what my wife is more incensed over: Ethan’s new look or the fact that he was allowed gum. Now she says my parents are never watching him again. She wants to impose a six-month timeout on their seeing him. I think this is a major overreaction on her part. In my opinion, Ethan’s new haircut is an improvement. He doesn’t seem bothered by it. In fact, he was often mistaken for a girl when his hair was long, which annoyed him. How can I get my wife to climb down from her ledge?

—Hair Hysteria

Dear Hysteria,

Explain what you shared with us to your wife in polite, firm terms. The hair was not cut out of malice, nor as a rejection of her feelings about its length. Ethan is not disturbed about the haircut; in fact, it is a relief for him not to be misgendered. Ask her just why she feels he has to have long hair and what has been lost by him getting a haircut. Ask your son if he prefers his hair now or if he would like it to be long again; on the off chance he says the latter, then let him grow it back. Be clear with your wife that your parents will not be barred from seeing their grandson and that there is no reason for them to be banned from babysitting, but that you will talk to them about giving him gum and make it clear that he’s not ready for that. If she’s unwilling to relent, then I suggest finding a professional to help you two work through this—and the other issues you’re likely butting heads over.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Mickey,” and I have two kids, “Grayson,” 6, and “Amelia,” 8, and we have been arguing for the past three weeks over something stupid. We have a large tree in our backyard, and the kids have been asking for a swing to hang from one of its branches. Mickey, however, has nixed the idea, claiming that it’s too dangerous. When I suggested we get them a swing set instead if she wasn’t comfortable with a swing suspended from a branch, she shot that down as well for the same reason. I pointed out that the kids use the swings in the park and they’ve been perfectly safe. Mickey dismissed that by claiming that the swing sets in parks are “industrial strength” and are thus much sturdier.

My sister and I had swings in our backyard when we were kids that gave us many years of enjoyment.  I would love for Grayson and Amelia to have the same opportunity we did.  How can I convince my wife that she’s nuts to deny allowing them to enjoy a simple childhood pleasure?

—Still Swinging

Dear Still,

You can’t convince your wife that she’s “nuts” for not seeing eye to eye with you on this matter; she sees things differently than you. Yes, her concerns may be somewhat unreasonable, but it’s unlikely that she’ll be convinced otherwise. When it comes to the tree swing, she’s correct! Those can be dangerous, and they don’t have the same strength as the ones in the park. With regard to the swing set, is having one a huge deal to your kids? Is there a park nearby with one? I’m sympathetic to your little ones, but I’m also aware that children can spend but so much time on the swings before moving on to something else. If there’s a park nearby, I just don’t think it’s worth the fight. If your wife is risk-averse in a way that regularly prevents your children from doing safe activities, then you should consider couples counseling, where a neutral party can help her see that you aren’t being reckless with your requests. If this is a rare instance, then I wouldn’t consider this a battle worth fighting.

Dear Care and Feeding,

People keep coming up to my daughter (age 2) to comment on her appearance. Usually, it’s about her “strikingly blue” eyes; sometimes it’s her hair (she’s a redhead). People didn’t do it to my son, who is 5, when he was that age. I get that it’s usually meant as a compliment, but it keeps happening over and over. There are so many things that can happen that can cause aspects of one’s appearance to change. For example, since my husband and I both have terrible eyesight, it’s quite likely that she’ll have to get glasses at some point in her childhood, which will have an effect on how people perceive her eyes. I know of people whose hair color changed after accidents or illnesses, or even whose hair darkened as they aged. Many aspects of society already treat girls as if beauty is their most valuable trait, and it’s starting really young in my daughter’s case. Is there a way to get people to stop? If not, is there a way to counterbalance so that she’s hearing compliments about not only her appearance but also other things as well?

—Not Just Beautiful

Dear Not Just,

There’s no effective way to stop people from making comments about your child’s appearance— you’d look like kind of an ass if you yelled out “Let me stop you right there!” as soon as you heard “What a cute—” come out of someone’s mouth. What you can do instead is meet these compliments with other aspects of your child’s identity that you’d like to emphasize instead: “Wow, what a pretty girl!” “Thank you! She’s also very bright!” “Look at those gorgeous eyes!” “Thank you! She’s the happiest little person I’ve ever met!” Let her know that people with blue eyes are somewhat uncommon and that they often get a lot of attention, but that blue eyes are not automatically prettier or better than any other shade of peepers. Praise all aspects of your child. (This will obviously be more impactful when she’s older, but it’s never too early to start.) Tell her that she’s funny, creative, kind, intelligent, and, yes, beautiful. Every child deserves to hear from their parents that they are beautiful—don’t assume that she’ll come to believe that she is based solely on the attention from strangers. Teach her to see herself as beautiful but not to base her self-worth on how she looks; help her to understand that who she is inside is what truly counts. As far as the glasses go, praise people who wear them, and glasses themselves, as being attractive and cool.

—Jamilah

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I am sad my 25-year-old son couldn’t care less about his family. He dropped out of school and lives at home but works the late shift, so we never see him. He will not visit his grandparents, whom he used to adore (they live nearby). He never bought anyone (except his girlfriend) a Christmas present, and he avoids all family functions and has no guilt or remorse saying this is just how he is. He gets tested at work, so we know he is not on drugs. He is the type that if he never saw any of us again he would be OK with that. He has a brother who is not like that at all. My heart breaks that they will never have a relationship or that his father and I cannot count on his help since he is so emotionally detached (and content).

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